Advertise on NYTimes.com Op-Ed Columnist Debating With the Stars

It was a dark and stormy night.



Except in those parts of the country where it was dry and fire-prone. But what did America care about the weather when it had the chance to forget about its troubles on Wednesday night and curl up with eight candidates for the Republican presidential nomination?

The voters have a lot to figure out. What would it be like to have a president who continually tells the country he’s going to get the working class workin’? And is there something going on with Mitt Romney’s hair? The dark part is looking darker and those little white tufts around the ears are getting whiter. It makes his forehead look as if it’s levitating.

The Republican nominating campaign has thus far been one long primal scream from party members desperate to avoid making Romney their nominee. Really, they will look at anybody. Remember the Donald Trump moment? Michele Bachmann, Front-Runner? Who knows where their glazed eyes will turn next? Rudy Giuliani is now running around saying that he might get in the race “if I think we are truly desperate.”

Which they would really, really, really have to be.

The current front-running Mitt Alternative is Rick Perry, possibly the first major presidential candidate opposed to the direct election of U.S. senators since the advent of the Bull Moose Party. He did not do anything superweird at his maiden presidential debate, unless you count bouncing up and down and cocking his head a lot. Or claiming that the reason a quarter of the Texas population has no health insurance is because of government interference.

And Romney cleaned Perry’s clock on Social Security. Young Americans, if you dream of someday running for president, try not to write any books calling Social Security a Ponzi scheme.

“We’re not trying to pick fights here,” protested Perry, inaccurately. Attempting to change the subject, the Texas governor suggested: “Maybe it’s time to have some provocative language in this country and say things like: ‘Let’s get America working again and do whatever it takes to make that happen.’ ”

If you dare, candidates.

Perry and Romney had an interesting dust-up over who did the better job of creating employment. This is a fight that is going to go on for the next several months. Statistics will be cited, and by the time it is over you will come to understand why young people don’t dream of running away from home to become an economist.

“Michael Dukakis created jobs three times faster than you did, Mitt,” Perry said at one point.

“George Bush and his predecessor created jobs at a faster rate than you did,” retorted Romney. Score. Republicans, do you want to trust your nomination to a guy who makes Mitt Romney look clever? Just think about it.

I was sorry that no one asked Perry more of the really critical questions. For instance, is it true that he saved his daughter’s puppy from being eaten by a coyote? This allegedly happened when Perry went jogging “packing a Ruger .380 with laser sights and loaded with hollow-point bullets.” Because, as he says, he is “that kind of guy.” His puppy-rescue is a stirring picture, especially considering that Perry’s chief competitor is the man who drove to Canada with the family dog Seamus strapped to the roof of the car.

But the more I think about it, the more I wonder. Where were his bodyguards? How did the puppy keep up with him if he was running? And where exactly was he carrying the Ruger? Many joggers I know have trouble hanging on to a water bottle.

Perry and Romney were not the only debaters. There was Jon (I Believe in Evolution) Huntsman Jr., hoping to be next in the Not-Mitt Sweepstakes. Rick Santorum, Bachmann and Ron Paul ganged up on Perry for trying to get Texas girls inoculated against cervical cancer. This is a big deal for some social conservatives, but it’s still interesting to think that we have presidential candidates who believe that they could score a stunning upset victory on an anti-cancer-prevention platform.

Santorum, ever hopeful, has been telling people that the competition is “like an episode of ‘Survivor,’ ” but I am thinking you need a more depressing image — maybe like an episode of “Dog the Bounty Hunter” or one of the several current television shows about people who bid on abandoned storage bin lockers.

The debate was at the Reagan library, and no matter what you think of Ronald Reagan, this crew makes him look good. It is the genius of the Republican Party in recent decades that it continually selects candidates who make the ones who went before appear better. Remember how great George H.W. Bush seemed once we’d lived with his son for a while? And I have a strong suspicion that whoever the nominee is this time will make us yearn for the magic that was W.
A version of this op-ed appeared in print on September 8, 2011, on page A29 of the New York edition with the headline: Debating With The Stars.